Fearless

So in all honesty, I have good moments and bad moments since the "diagnosis." In my good moments I feel closer to the Lord than ever before. I have only His strength to rely on. And in the bad times, I'm scared. God feels far away and fear creeps in to take control. I was online searching for a new Bible yesterday and the front page of the Christian Bookstore website had a book entitled "Fearless" by my once all time favorite author- Max Lucado. I looked it up online and they had the first chapter there as a sample, and this is how I know, that I know, that I know that God is real. This spoke to me during a bad time, and I hope maybe it will speak to someone else tonight.

"Fear corrodes our confidence in God’s goodness. We

begin to wonder if love lives in heaven. If God can sleep in our storms,

if his eyes stay shut when our eyes grow wide, if he permits storms after

we get on his boat, does he care? Fear unleashes a swarm of doubts,

anger-stirring doubts.

And it turns us into control freaks. “Do something about the

storm!” is the implicit demand of the question. “Fix it or . . . or . . . or

else!” Fear, at its center, is a perceived loss of control. When life spins

wildly, we grab for a component of life we can manage: our diet, the

tidiness of a house, the armrest of a plane, or, in many cases, people.

The more insecure we feel, the meaner we become. We growl and bare

our fangs. Why? Because we are bad? In part. But also because we feel

cornered. "

There is a great deal more to this book, and I am looking forward to hopefully finding it at the local library. God brings us the words and encouragement right in our times of need if we just look and see and recognize that the gifts of comfort are there. He is our great comforter. Sometimes He uses the world, people, His church, or just a few paragraphs of a book to remind us He is there. He answers our prayers, He comforts us when we are afraid, and He cares about Me. He who created all that I see, cares about me when I feel scared. And He comforts me sometimes in very overt ways- songs, books, His word, our friends, our pastors. Abundantly loving us with His perfect LOVE.

A long Awaited Update!

So I haven't had much time to write lately because I have been so busy with school, but I need to do this. There is something very therapeutic about writing. The latest news is that I have finally been diagnosed. It only took 12 months, a million doctors, a thousand pages of labwork, and a possibly un-needed surgery to find out that I have lupus. When I first found out, I really freaked out. I have heard that lupus is a scary bad disease- its one of those buzz words they always throw out on House as the "unexplained illness" that is causing some patient to be really sick. As the week has gone by, however, through prayer, internet searches and doctor visits, I am coming to terms with things and learning that this is a very treatable, manageable disease.

Like anything that you have that is a chronic disease it will always be a struggle, but it will not define me. The silver lining to every cloud is there if you just look. The two biggest things that are my silver lining:

This will be a constant reminder of my insufficiency and my need for God. Illness quickly can lead to brokenness, which leads you to the Lord. Prayer and reliance on Him will get me through the hard times. I thank the Lord fora reminder that I am not in control of my life. He gives me each day as a gift.

Secondly, it will be a good reminder to take care of myself. This disease requires you to rest, eat well, exercise. Ultimately, in order to manage things I have to go out of my way to make sure I am healthy. That I get enough rest... that I don't let school overwhelm me.

As optimistic as I can be, I am trying to be and have surrendered this to God. I need prayers as we continue to figure out where I stand with further tests and as I begin treatment. I need prayers that I can continue with my schoolwork without being too overwhelmed or wearing myself out. And prayer for my husband who is so tolerant with me in all this. He deserves a sweet blessing.

My Reminders for the Week.

I am still having to constantly remind myself that dentistry is where God intends to use me to advance His Kingdom. Any other reason to put myself through this would be silly. It wouldn't be worth it. I remain perplexed at times about our curriculum and grow frustrated with my lack of time. I am even more frustrated however by my incapability to love people well. I get irritable due to the stress, lack of sleep, and growing "to do" lists and it makes my fuse very short with the very people I intend to love. What is the deal with that?

I also have been challenged by a man that came to speak to the CMDA this week. Rick Donlon spoke about starting a free health clinic in the ghetto of Memphis TN. He worked there for a few years and then moved his family a few blocks a way and immersed himself in the culture there. Now that is love. He packed up his wife and five kids in the suburb and dropped them off at a run down house in Memphis, TN. They fixed it up and then became a part of things- starting house churches, caring for the medical needs of their neighbors, and hanging out with people that differed from them in every way. Wow.

I desire that kind of faith. I long for it. I seek it. And at the same time I shut my mind off to it because I still cling to my own will.

On another note, God has really taken me to places to keep me grounded. My friends from church provide that for me and they remind me of what is really important. I feel so strongly that the places that I go reinforce my sense of blessedness and further convict me of rotten attitude. I need to keep things positive. I have everything I could ever want and more....A savior who loves me.

My How Things Change

So I am officially a dental student now. We started waxing teeth today and I finally decided that this is going to be a pretty big challenge for me. Sure I've heard that before but today it hit me. I am so far out of the realm of what is normal and comfortable for me that it should be interesting to see how this goes. I do love a challenge, but I also am incredibly impatient when it comes to meeting those challenges successfully. I dont know whether I am more worried about not being able to actually correctly create a tooth from wax or the possibility of burning down the UK hospital while trying. I will let you know. Something tells me injuries await me.

We sat through a few weeks of orientation and some just general welcoming classes, and I can't tell you how many times we were told how much the faculty cares about the students. I hope this rings true in my experience. I liked UK purely for that reason alone. I want to be treated like an adult professional, not some dumb undergrad that wandered into grad school by accident (even though I more oftentimes relate to the latter).

I had this "Ah Ha" Moment last week during these sessions...and it went a little something like this. We can look at this graduate school experience as a burden, which with studying, labwork, tests, time away from family and friends etc, it could clearly be seen that way. Or we can look at it as a blessing. I had this overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am in church this past Sunday. I have been given every opportunity to pursue this educational endeavor, what a blessing. I have the financial capability, health and education, love and support of friends and family. This is going to be the best four years of my life. It is when we are stretched that we are able to grow. The Lord has me in His Hands. He is sovereign and if He changes the plans somewhere along the line, I pray and hope that He gives me the peace to walk away.

I desire to use this time to make much of Him and less of me. I have already found this a challenge with my schooling when someone needs help or requires a great deal of my time, I find myself frustrated because I lose time to focus on myself. But I realize how self absorbed and sinful that is. Its not sharing the love of Christ at all. I would venture to say that no one in my class even knows that I am a Christian (with the exception of a select few).

Robert said at Echo, I think, last week that when we encounter people and have experiences with them and are in relationships with them they should either be marveling at our friendship based on our relationship with Christ or they should be totally annoyed by our relationship with Christ, but that they should never be indifferent. I feel a great deal of indifference in my life. And while I would like to blame that on the self absorbed nature of our society, its clearly my fault. Not that we should be obnoxious but the Gospel demands radical boldness. When will that happen in Lexington? At dental School? anywhere? I plan to lead where he follows but I have to be shown where to go. I will seek the Lord and he will show me the way.

Because I had some Time

I'm sitting in an airport right now just waiting for a flight and thought I would take the time to write some things. I can't believe I have had the opportunity to write back to back days. I really love to write. And I really love that I can type rather than write (my hand usage needs to be saved for the dental profession!) And I love that I can share my thoughts with people and receive feedback.

I got a lot of feedback to my comments about Michael Jackson. It seems as though people fall to two extremes on the issue. I am going to let the dead horse die rather than continue to beat him. I just am having a little trouble with celebrity worship is the biggest issue. Its not personal. I watch thinking that people are worshipping other people- the King of Pop has nothing on the King of the Universe. Yet, many times other people receive our focus rather than our Savior.

I find myself talking a lot about volunteering at the pregnancy center. I thought at first a lot about why it seemed to come up so much for me in conversation. I really had to check my motives and make sure that the reason I always talked about it wasn't to have a "hey look at the good I'm doing" conversation. Helping people should never be something that we use to gain others approval. (Although our sinful nature seems to want credit for every good thing we do and then not accept responsibility for any of the bad). But I think for me, it comes up a lot because it consumes a lot of my thoughts. I don't think it has reached an unhealthy level, but its hard to walk awat from there unchanged.

Basically, I've learned that the reason we love people and serve others is because its God's way of drawing us closer to Him. It has also revealed a lot of the sin that is in my heart. Those deep sins that take some effort to admit and to draw out into the open. First of all, I am judgemental. I hate that word. It is so cliche and it has been used as a way for people to ignore their own sin. By judgemental, I mean that I make a judgement call when I meet people as to whether or not they have a chance of understanding Christianity. Usually, I write a lot of people off. I think they're too far gone or too deep in Sin to be ready for Christ. But then as I have these thoughts I begin to think, I am no better than them and He got to me. So I pray that God will give me an expectant heart. That not only will I not be the one who chooses who I share the Gospel with, but that I will eagerly expect God and the Holy Spirit to work. And to work mightily. God created the world...He healed lepers, He raised the dead, He sent His son to die for my sins, and wiped my slate clean-- He can do anything. We (and by we I mean I) underestimate the power of the living God.

I love Jesus. I mean, I really love Him. The fact that He can totally love me when He knows everything about me- every ugly thought and miserable action-- that kind of love can only be met with awe and wonder on my part. I am thankful for my Creator. I am thankful for my Salvation, for the resurrection, and even though I still struggle with my faith daily I thank the Lord He loves me through my unbelief.

"Lord Jesus, don't let me lie when I say I love you, and protect me for today I could betray you." St. Augustine

I'm Done Waiting!

So its been awhile since I have blogged on my personal blog. It seems like every time I am online I am working on work for the job. I am kind of sad about no longer working on my internet marketing stuff for the hotels. I am sticking it out with KFC for awhile though and so that will be good.

We have moved in to our house!!! We love it so far although it hasn't really gone off without a hitch. If you know us, you know the details of all that has gone wrong and is still messed up. Its too much complaining to get into it. And honestly, there is too much good in my life to get all frazzled about the bad. We bought ourselves a TV as a housewarming gift to ourselves. My parents I think are paying to install a security system as a housewarming gift. I planned to send out change of address cards, which I still am planning to do, although I am waiting to have someone to take our picture in front of the house- which also means that I have to get picture worthy (showers and make up involved?) Maybe we'll do that when we go and get our new drivers licenses (change of address).

School starts in like 2 weeks. I am so excited right now. I don't know how soon it will be into school that I change my mind and want to quit. I'm sure it will be day one when I am waking up at 6:30 am. I will keep you posted.

On another note altogether- I find myself really disturbed by the death of Michael Jackson. I will probably need to clarify that because I do not mean that I am upset that he died or that it has affected my life in any way. What disturbs me is the amount of attention and coverage it is getting in the media. I watch this trainwreck in bits and pieces (it is on every major network this morning) and am wondering why anyone would want to be famous. The man's life is tragic- not something to be worshipped and remembered. People are talking about him like he was some kind of diety. I initially began to recognize how gullible and sad our culture was when I witnessed the Obama madness in the Fall, but in all honesty-- that makes more sense than this. A man that has been mocked and ridiculed in the media for the spectacle that was his life used to disturb people, but now that he is dead he is being held up as a hero. Are we really that naive and misguided? Seriously people. So he made a handful of good songs, and danced well- is that something to be worshipped? I personally don't think so. But it seems I may be the only one!

And I'm Still Waiting

I feel like we might be the only people ever, to put a contract on a house with both parties (seller and buyer) anxious and ready to close that had to wait over 30 days to get it done. But we finally have a closing date, which I am so excited about. One week from today we will get the keys to our home (and remotes to our garage!) I honestly can't wait to be unpacked and settled in. I hope that we get it all done before school starts.

On that note, I cannot wait to start school. I've been anxiously waiting to begin this journey on the path to my "real career" for what seems like forever now. And its almost here. I know it will be hard work....and I know that as soon as I lose my first few nights of sleep studying I will be wishing I was back here with flexibility and free time and get togethers with good friends... but I really am ready. I am ready for a challenge, I am ready to learn again. I miss it. I can't wait to be a dental student. Here I sit....waiting, waiting.